The Old and New

Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. 

I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. 

I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. 

I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched.  

Psalm 69:1-3a

I can honestly say that the week after the assault, I can say that I felt like that. The depression I sunk into was incredible. I knew I was depressed but wouldn't admit it to anyone. And why would I?


Admitting you need help is hard. But more than that, it's embarrassing. It's basically saying that you can't take care of yourself. As an educator and now a wife, I'm supposed to be taking care of others. But how could I take care of others when I was obviously needing care myself? 


I couldn't.


Looking back, I realize I was a huge mess. I wanted to tell people that the assault happened, not for their pity or for them to tell me they're sorry it happened. I realize I wanted someone to explain what exactly I was going through. 
I needed someone to put a name on what I was feeling and why. 
I wanted someone to tell me how long this 'funk' was going to last. 
I wanted answers. 
I wanted to know what I did wrong. 
I wanted to know what to do if there was a next time.
I wanted to know he wasn't going to do this to another teacher. 
I wanted to know why my administrators didn't really debrief me on what happened.
I wanted to stop being so emotional about EVERYTHING. 
I wanted to talk to my students about it but didn't know how. 
I wanted to pretend it never happened.


Despite how badly I wanted these things, I wasn't going to get them because I never told anyone what happened. I was also scared of what they would say. So I stayed in my shell. And I was ok with that even though part of me knew it was wrong. I was getting better over time. A big help was a Bible verse that I later was told is called 'The Victim's Verse'.

So do not fear, for I am with you.

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

I will guide you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Since the past month or so, I can say that I am healing. I feel like I have a peace about the whole assault, including the upcoming hearing. I don't need to have any worry about it, so I won't. My God is bigger than all this. He knows me and loves me and will take care of me. He knows D and loves him and will take care of him too. 

So, my questions have been answered. It took over two months to get them, but I have them.

• I had depression caused by post-traumatic stress disorder. 
• I had it because I was assaulted.
• I was depressed for as long as I needed to be. Again, I was assaulted. But God told me when enough was enough.
• I didn't do anything wrong when the assault happened. There was no way to stop it. If it didn't happen that day, it would have happened later, and perhaps to someone else.
• I have no guarantee that there will be no 'next time' with another student. All I can do is teach them the right thing to do, or what to do if it does happen.
• I have no way to guarantee that D will not assault another teacher, or even his mom. He is no longer my responsibility. (However, I was proactive and did notify the special education director at the high school about it and told the teacher he would have.)
• I now know that for some administrators at my school, the safety of the teachers is not, according to them, part of their responsibility. No matter what they (the administrators) think or feel, I need to make sure that I am safe by taking care of myself first, then my students. 
• I have stopped becoming emotional about EVERYTHING. This was hard, and sometimes, I still get emotional. It happens more at church when we're singing praise songs about how awesome our God is, or in the car hearing a story about how God provided for someone. I find that I become overwhelmed much quicker about how good God is.
• I still have not brought up the assault to my students and most likely won't. I now know that I do need to tell them what to do in case it does happen. 
• I can't pretend like this assault never happened because reality is, it happened.

I was assaulted by one of my students.

It happened. It was real. It was painful. It sucked going through it. But I've learned that Jesus was there the whole time. I don't need to continue living through the assault continuously everyday because Jesus was there. Jesus loves me and that's why I am now free.

Truly, I am your servant, LORD; I will serve you just as my mother did. 

You have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a praise offering to you and call on the name of the LORD.

Psalm 116: 16-17