The Unwanted News

On Friday, December 7, I sent Alex this text-

It had been a year and a half since our miscarriage. We had an unbelievable amount of joy in our hearts! Finally! Thank you, Lord! After five minutes of joyful tears and smiles, the nerves and fear came. What if it happens again? We decided to do our best to give God our fear and this child through continual prayer. (My prayer life was phenomenal from that moment on.) We had also decided not to tell our families because we knew it would be a great Christmas present to everyone!

We had about a week of joy. The same symptoms from last time occurred. I took a Friday off for an emergency ultrasound. The doctor gave us great news that everything should be fine. We heard the heartbeat, which was a little slower than what it should have been. But the doctor said not to worry- so we didn't. Symptoms progressed. Saturday I called to tell my mom what was happening. I took Monday off of work. We went back to the doctor who only confirmed what we already knew. 

Another miscarriage. 

But this time, we had support. Our church family was incredible! Prayers and meals were given to us. Hugs gave us the knowledge that we have a family with us at all times. Even though we were grieving, the support and love given to us made this time a little smoother.

Despite all this, we still struggle. We question God. We're angry. I have students who are pregnant with healthy and beautiful little babies. Facebook feeds my jealousy. I become very bitter towards friends, who mean the best, end up saying incredibly hurtful things.

"You shouldn't be angry about this because He planned it. You need to give your anger to God."
"Your time will come. It's all in God's hands. This time just wasn't the right time."
"At least you didn't know the baby- it was early on in the pregnancy."
"We all go through struggles and trials."
"You just need to pray about how you're feeling."
"Look at all the things that God has blessed you with! You should be thankful for those!"

I've just now been able to write about how I've felt- and still feel- through all of this. It hurts. It really hurts. Often I feel like God has abandoned me. That He doesn't care for me. Or for Alex. Why would He constantly put me in situations where I am surrounded by pregnant women or children. It's not fair.

My heart hurts.

Through this, I think I found that verse(s) that I need to memorize for this next stage of life. 

Jeremiah 29:12-14

¹² Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 

¹³ And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 

¹⁴ I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; 

I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.