The Grief

Tomorrow is my cousins' birthday. (Aren't they cute?!? I think they were 3 at this time.)

Kira and Christian were born the day after my birthday. When I was younger, I thought of them as a belated birthday present. Kira is my cousin whom Alex and I had flown out to visit in March. 

This past May, Kira passed away. 

It was probably the most beautiful funeral I have been to. It was also the most true to the person who passed. There were so many people who were there. Kira knew and impacted many. She was pretty hard to miss!

When we had family get togethers, Kira lived to please her cousins. She wanted one of us with her to color, write a letter, or just talk with her. And for a kid under the age of 10, she was a very good conversation holder. She didn't just talk about herself, she wanted to know about you. 

(This was at our wedding, two years ago.)

Lately, the idea of grief has been becoming a more frequent thought for me. Kira's death is still recent. There are family events that will not be the same without her. (The family tradition that is Thanksmasweenaversary is one of them.) Starting a new school is so exciting for me- I really can't be happier about it and in no way am I grieving when I think about leaving Aurora. I feel that I no longer have to come to school with a little bit of fear each time I come, and feel sad that I feel that way about my job. August also marks a year since our miscarriage. We're still saddened by the loss of a child whom we will never know.

Grief is here. And it's real. Everyone knows that we deal with it, but no one wants to acknowledge it.

So to top off all of these 'events' that keep bringing my thoughts to grief, last week our pastor did a sermon on grieving. It was kind of a strange passage to take it from- 2 Samuel 1. This where David, who has been anointed as the next king of Israel, finds out that Saul and his son Jonathan were killed in battle. Our pastor followed the script of how to grieve based on the passage; David goes through a a grieving process by song. 

One thing David did was name grief, or what caused him such sadness. It's one thing to say "I'm sad because Kira passed away." My cousin passing is a very sad thing, but that's not what causes grief. Grief is that I'm sad because I won't hear her very loud high pitched voice yell "Jackie? Do you want to color?" or see her keep a strong bear hug on our family's dog long after the dog was ok with the hug. I won't get any more coloring pictures or letters, or have her ask about our pets. Those are the things that gave her joy and that's why I'm sad. David didn't just say that he was sad Saul and Jonathan were dead. He said why he is sad, what would be missing now that they were gone.

One other way David dealt with grief was to tell God his exact emotions. What is he feeling and why? As Alex and I went through the assault and miscarriage, there was a whole smorgasbord of emotions that we went through, and sometimes still experience. I had to learn that it wasn't healthy, not just physically and emotionally but also spiritually, to keep what I was going through to myself or share it with a select few people. Obviously God knows what I'm feeling and why better than I do. But for us to communicate with God what we are experiencing demonstrates that we can't handle this grief on our own and that we are putting our trust in Him.

There were a couple of other things that our pastor talked about. He said that usually, it takes about two years to 'complete' the grieving process. This means that it's usually about two years before you are no longer overwhelmed by loss. You never really "recover", you just are further along in the grieving process. As children of Christ, we learn that we do not grieve like those with no hope. 

I think that's amazing- we grieve with hope.

That should completely change the way we think about grief. It's an easy thing to say and talk about, another thing to actually live out. When grief comes, which it will, grieve with hope because that's what Christ gave us: 

hope.